If You’re Intimacy-Deprived, Stop Dating Fools and Acting Like One

Besides, dating has been obsolete for at least two generations.

No matter your sexuality, if you want a lasting relationship, get out of the dating game. You can have intimacy without sex, and you can have sex without intimacy. If you want both simultaneously, then you must be capable of it and so must your partner.

Here are 10 ideas that will help you get there: (Some you won’t like at first).

1) Sorry. Like is more important than love.
In the past, when male and female roles were more differentiated, we needed “complimentary” relationships. In other words, we were two halves of a whole and we divided labor and emphasized the differences. Masculinity and femininity were exaggerated to create a polarity. (Opposites attract). Dating and romance was the accelerator of the process. Society pressured us to find a mate, so we ignored the person and looked for our manly or womanly ideal.

2) Roles must be flexible.
In a constantly changing economy and domestic landscape, we must be prepared to switch roles or create hybrid roles if necessary or desired. That means we must know our limitations and share them with our partners before we commit.

3) Intimacy takes practice and some self-esteem.
Most of us have learned to be cautious about what we reveal to others because of the way people reacted to our self-disclosures. If we continue to conceal some feelings and ideas, we will end up in a relationship with someone who doesn’t really know us. In contrast, a relationship that is founded on complete honesty is called a “companionate” relationship. If you think about it; if you don’t have at least one person who knows everything about you, you are going through life alone. You can have a partnership based on total honesty, but you will scare some people away before you find someone who can handle it. That means you will experience rejections. Just remember that they are not rejecting YOU; they are fleeing from your openness.
NOTE: Honesty does not require you to say everything you think, just the things that the other person should know because it might affect them at some point. Also, don’t confuse honesty with bluntness or cruelty.

4) You must be clear with yourself about why you want a partner.
If you just want a hookup, fine. Just don’t keep that a secret from yourself or the partner. We can get in trouble when we don’t know if we are lonely, or horny. Of course, we can be both, but that requires even more caution, self-awareness, and communication.

5) Don’t date. Navigate and investigate.
Search for opportunities to mingle with people. Become a serial conversationalist. Talk with different kinds of people, in person and online. Don’t base it on physical characteristics but on whether you find them to be an interesting person. Let them know who you are. (Not necessarily all at once).

6) If you see signs of trouble early on, confront the issue or get the hell out.
If your gut tells you something is a problem or that you need more information, listen to it. Of course, if you spot a blatant flaw, don’t let loneliness override your judgment. Also, though you’ve heard it many times before, I remind you that you cannot change another person!

7) Don’t oversell yourself.
Well-groomed is not the same as dressed to kill. If you try to create an impression with obsessive makeup, digital filters, or the way you dress, you’ll be setting up future disappointment. It easy to think we’re a competition for a prize, but we are not. Trophies are nice, but they need constant polishing. Let them see the same you that a friend would see. Dress appropriately for the occasion but don’t try to BE the occasion.

8) If you can’t be with the one you love…
Yes, as the song says, “Love the one you’re with.” Even if that’s just you. You can’t find a good relationship if you need it to feel OK. You can’t judge a relationship if you need one too much. You are ready when you can say, “I could live my life single if I had to.” That way, you’re not filling and empty space, you’re creating a new one.

9) Ask for help.
If this is difficult for you, find a relationship mentor or seek counseling. These are both ways of practicing intimacy and they help us see our blind spots. If you see couples who seem to have good relationships, ask them how they do it. Their way may not work for you, but it adds to your repertoire of ideas.

10) Keep a relationship journal.
(I’ll bet you knew there would be homework). It doesn’t have to be written, but think about each encounter as a lesson, not a success or failure. Ask yourself what the lesson was. Remember that many people struggle with relationships, especially if they have not seen many positive examples growing up. Don’t expect yourself to be magically good at it if you haven’t done it before.

Oh, and above all, try to make it a fun adventure. Don’t try to find someone who will make you happy, but simply increase the odds that you will come across someone to add to your joy in living.